10 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You
So much of my life is an open book because of my blog and social media presence. People I’ve never met ask me how my son is doing at university or how the scar from skin cancer on my face is healing or how I’m getting on with my latest goal. I’m not a super private person (obviously) and I feel that opening up builds connection and helps others to open up more too.
And yet there are things that I’m less public about, perhaps for fear of being disliked or my ego wanting to protect myself from judgement or criticism.
A couple of years ago I listened to a podcast by Jess Lively where she shared what she’d been afraid to tell her listeners. Some of the very things she revealed about herself created a deeper connection to her than I’d ever felt before. I’m sure that by showing her authentic self she lost some listeners, but the ones who stuck around grew to respect her even more for her honesty.
I’ve debated about writing this post, but I’m finally ready to go for it.
So (deep breaths), here I go.
10 Things I’m Afraid To Tell You
#1 – I never wanted to be a mother. I even signed a pact with my university roommate that we’d never, EVER have children. (I now have two and she’s got four!) The early days of motherhood sucked for me and I didn’t feel cut out for it. I later came to fully embrace it and I’m now proud of myself for what a good mother I became and what amazing teenagers I have. But here’s the added extra truth I have not publicly admitted: Had I not had kids, because I couldn’t or because I’d stuck to that original pact, I honestly think I’d still be living a fantastic life. I find so much fun and fulfilment in ways that have nothing to do with my kids – and my hubby and I would have loads more money for adventures and who knows what else. I also love my own company, peace and quiet. And sleep! OMG I love sleep. When I hear about women who aren’t sure if they want a child but fear they may be missing out, or those who are unsuccessful in conceiving or waiting endlessly for adoption, I do wonder if that could have been me – but my heart tells me I’d have been at peace with it. *Important disclaimer: I am madly in love with my kids and have no regrets with the wonderful way in which life has turned out!
#2 – I’m ready to drop the ‘Busy Mother’ from Project Me. I’ve always felt that Project Me was for all women, but online marketing gurus encourage us to refine our niche and target our ideal customer. I think it was a good call five years ago when Project Me launched as I built a loyal tribe by blogging about overcoming my parenting challenges. But, as plenty of women without kids have repeatedly pointed out, the Project Me tools and strategies are for everyone. With my own Project Me expanding into new levels of conscious living, I’m ready to write and talk about life beyond motherhood and parenting.
#3 – I have Dyscalculia (it’s like Dyslexia but with numbers). I can’t hold a number in my head over even the simplest things which is a constant source of embarrassment when I can’t tell someone how much I paid for something, how much I charge for a service, how many people have signed up to a course or event. I always sound like I’m being cagey when in fact I honestly can’t be certain unless I check my facts. I have to use a calculator for even the simplest of sums as I’ve made so many stupid mistakes that I don’t trust myself. I refuse to make this into my ‘story’ because I don’t want this to be a self limiting belief, but inside there is concern that I can’t truly run a successful business when I have no concept of numbers.
#4 – My email inboxes are always a disaster. As someone who gets paid to help others with their productivity and time management, this is a tough one to admit, but it’s the one area I’ve failed to get under control. Over the years I’ve been determined to find a solution so I can share this successful method with my clients, but nothing ever works for me long term. My dream solution is to have someone else deal with ALL of my emails – and my assistant is trying – but there are always so many that need my personal response. It really is the bane of my existence and where too much of my time is wasted.
#5 – I’m incredibly proud of the content of my book and I love the front and back covers, but I want to cry when I open it up. I had a clear vision of it being in full colour throughout with colour coded tabs for each life area, beautiful graphics and printed on lovely paper. My publisher supported my vision right up to when I submitted my final manuscript. Suddenly it was turned into an ordinary black and white book and lost its visual appeal. I had to format the typography and create all of the graphics myself in the eleventh hour to save it from looking even worse, which was super stressful and still upsets me when I think about it. I felt very unsupported and it really knocked my confidence for a long while. Now that I hear how many women it’s helping, I feel much better, but I’m still embarrassed to have my name on a book so visually unmatched to my own design aesthetics. Part of me wants to self publish it in America so I can create the book I envisioned, and another part of me wants to drop it and move on.
#6 – I’ve been head-over-heels madly in love with my husband since 1996 and that’s no secret. Yet I’m afraid to tell you how much I still fancy the pants off him, how often we go out on hot dates (where I dress up super sexy, we go clubbing or bar hopping with kids more than half our age). Telling you this could make you feel judgmental towards me or possibly even towards yourself. or your own relationship, or lack of one – so I’ve kept it quiet.
#7 – I’ve had a boob job. There! I’ve said it. All I wanted was my old boobs back after I went flat as a 10-year-old boy from breastfeeding my babies. And I’ve been super happy with them for over 15 years. No regrets.
#8 – I’ve already opened up about being abandoned by my father at birth, abused by my ex partner, and other situations that aren’t actually ‘stories’ to me because I’m at peace with them. But I hid those away over on the Tiny Buddha blog rather than posting them on my own website. I fear I lack the expertise and credentials to help others with heavier issues. I sometimes consider studying and earning qualifications, but I’m not an academic and prefer to feel my way around subjects to find what helps me, and then pass that along to others in a more organic way. This of course gave me bouts of ‘imposter syndrome’ and ‘who am I to help others when I am not qualified?’, but once I began getting enough incredible testimonials from the people I’ve helped, I’ve come to see that if anything is beyond my abilities I will refer them onto someone else who is qualified with their specific issue. I love connecting people to other people – that is my true gift.
#9 – I am as equally ‘woo woo’ as I am practical and for some reason I have shied away from sharing this as fully as I’d like to, perhaps out of a fear of alienating those who use the Project Me tools and strategies in a very logical way. In my early days of creating my own Project Me it was all about the practical steps I had to take to get my messy life into a stable place. Over time, this allowed my spiritual side to blossom and grow. I’m hugely into the Law of Attraction and believe our thoughts create our reality. We are vibrational beings made of energy and we attract into our lives what we are in vibrational alignment with. This is why I meditate and set my intentions each and every morning. I am a deliberate creator of my life and love setting goals and enjoying every step of the journey. Recognising when my emotions are taking me into a negative downward spiral and finding ways to get back into a positive flow is now the basis for how I live my life. I wake up every single day excited about what’s unfolding. I enjoy feasting on the world of ‘woo woo’ and trying fascinating things like EFT Tapping, Conscious Breathing, Emotion Code, Energy Alignment Method, healing sound, gong baths, and Kundalini yoga (which I absolutely love). I’m drawn to books, podcasts and YouTube videos that help me to explore Syncrodestiny, Quantum Physics, and all manners of personal and spiritual growth. I was told by a clairvoyant that one day I’d be a tarot card reader, and yet I keep resisting tarot cards!
#10 – I always steer clear of the topic of religion as it’s such a deeply personal thing and I’m non-judgemental about religion, unless it’s hurting somebody else. My own take is that there are so many names for ‘God’ and I believe they are all referring to the same source energy. My own spirituality is best felt and expressed away from the set rules of organised religions which sometimes instil fear, shame and judgment – which can keep people small-minded and suppressed. If religion lifts you, gives you high energy and makes you a more loving, peaceful person, then it’s a good thing. My spirituality is a source of amazing energy and is about finding my purpose, fulfilling it and living it wholeheartedly so I can contribute in a positive way to the world. I’d like to move more into helping others to connect to their inner beings so they can live in alignment with their values and explore their higher purpose. I want to openly share my own personal growth journey and the resources and tools that help me rise above the day to day busyness and into full, conscious living.
My own Project Me is ever evolving and will never be ‘done’. I can’t imagine ever reaching a point in life where I no longer want to learn, grow and continue expand my self-understanding. Maybe you’re curious (or even excited) to follow me down this path and see where it leads. Or maybe you’re at the stage where you want to get a firm foundation under your feet first by sorting out some practical issues in your life that need your focus.
My existing tools and strategies throughout the website and inside of my book are not going anywhere. These were absolutely what helped me get to this beautiful stage of my life. I firmly stand by my tried and tested framework of doing a Project Me Life Wheel assessment once a month and I’ll certainly carry on doing mine to flag up anything that needs my attention so it doesn’t grow into an issue. Living a well balanced life is vitally important to our happiness, health and wellbeing.
I’m incredibly excited to reveal that Project Me is expanding into something bigger and better… Project WE launches this January. Rather than going it alone, you’ll soon be able to join forces with other like-minded women with a growth mindset who want to work on their Project Me together. It all takes place online so you can join from anywhere in the world. Together we will lift each other higher!
Whew. Ok, I’m going to go ahead and hit ‘publish’ on this. In the comments below, let me know what you think of the things I’ve been afraid to tell you. (Please be nice…)
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