Why You’ve Lost Your Sex Drive and How to Get It Back
Do you find yourself hoping your partner’s already asleep when you crawl into bed? Finding it hard to muster up even a whiff of desire to make love? Worried your sex drive has dried up and disappeared forever?
This is a very common problem (one I’ve experienced for myself after the birth of each of my children), so I’ve invited Maj Wismann, a leading Danish couples therapist and sexologist, to give you some sound advice on this often sensitive subject.
Maj helps women and men to have a better sex life, as well as incorporate more love, closeness and intimacy into their relationships.
Here are Maj’s words of wisdom when it comes to identifying why you’ve lost your sex drive – and how to get it back.
1. Are you a new mom or do you have young children?
Bingo! There’s your cause. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Quite the opposite really. Funny as it may sound, a lack of sex drive is actually a sign that your body is doing its job.
A reduced sex drive at this stage in your life is exactly what you would expect from a healthy body. It’s incredible that the two of you have created this new little life – and yep, that’s what this is about.
Being a new parent is a huge responsibility that comes with lots of worrying and adjustments. It’s no longer just the two of you and it takes time to adapt to your new roles, new habits, new rhythms… All these adjustments require massive amounts of energy.
If you’re breastfeeding you’re producing the chemical called Oxytocin which is what helps strengthens the relationship between yourself and your baby. However, it does have the opposite effect on your ‘sex drive hormones’. The same story goes for Prolactin, another hormone you produce while breastfeeding. Prolactin is the chemical which is released after an orgasm and which makes you want to go back to sleep and not have sex again.
Sleep deprivation and exhaustion also play big roles in all of this. Pretty much all mothers with young kids are seriously sleep deprived.
So it’s no wonder that you’re having difficulties feeling a spontaneous and active sex drive! It’s important to stop worrying about it and to shift your mindset into a proactive desire to slowly improve things.
The good news is that you can still kick-start your sex drive! (see number 4.)
2. If you’re not a new mother, is it a lack of sex drive in general or a lack of sexual attraction towards your husband?
There’s a pretty big difference.
If you’ve lost your lust towards your partner, but still feel turned-on when you’re watching a Hugh Jackman movie, or when you’re reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’, or if someone’s flirting with you, then we’re dealing with something else.
It’s time to be completely honest and ask yourself, ‘Why do I no longer feel turned-on by my partner? Is there something he does that pushes me away?’
Maybe you’re missing him being present? Is he stressed or hard to connect with?
Maybe he’s stopped showering before bed? Perhaps he’s put on a lot of weight?
Maybe he’s stopped ______ (fill in the blank).
There can be so many reasons and before you speak to him about this, it’s important that you really think about it.
Work out what your responsibility is too; what part do you play? Are you stressed or worried? Is your body image making you feel unsexy?
A clear answer may not manifest immediately – relationship issues that ruin the sex drive have often been simmering for a period of time.
Maybe you haven’t insisted on things changing? Been honest about what your needs are?
Ask yourself, ‘What is my responsibility and what is his?’
Please remember that you can communicate these things in a nice and loving manner – and if you’re missing your sex drive, he might be too!
Sit down together and talk about the changes each of you can make and then agree that NOW things will be different.
3. Have you lost your sex drive in general, as in NOTHING is happening down there and you aren’t getting any signals from your body?
Then we need to take a look at you; not your relationship.
Hormones such as the pill can affect or even completely diminish your sex drive. Are you on medicine? Are you depressed? Are you suffering from anxiety? Have you undergone changes – externally or internally – that are affecting your surplus energy or your physique?
If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to any of these questions, you’ve identified the sinner and you can now set up an action plan. Write down, step-by-step, what you want to change to get your body back to a state of surplus energy so that it can start sending you those lovely, lusty signals again!
Read: ”3 Natural Ways to Increase Libido in Women” (Very easy and doable.)
4. It’s time to kick-start your sex drive!
You’ll need to make an effort to get turned on because you don’t want to neglect this very important part of your life and your relationship.
Here are some ideas to give your sex drive a bit of a boost.
Kiss more than you normally would. Kissing longer and more deeply boosts arousal.
Flirt with him.
Send him a sexy text.
Touch him gently when he passes by.
Give each other a massage.
Light a candle on your bedside table and wear something nicer to bed than that old t-shirt.
Read erotic literature by yourself or to each other.
Watch a sexy movie.
Plan a lovely, erotic evening. Spend a long time touching him, treating him with your hands, your body, your mouth.
Find some inspiration to spice up a dull sex life.
Shop online for some classy sex toys and clothes.
Remember too that sex is a lot of things; it’s not just having intercourse. You can absolutely lend your husband a ‘helping hand’ every now and then when you haven’t got the energy to make love. The effect of turning your partner on will often kick-start your own arousal.
Finally, I encourage you to stick with it. Persistence beats resistance. Don’t give up. There’s always one (or more) reasons to why your sex drive is low. As soon as you identify these causes and ‘remove’ them from your life, your sex drive will return.
Maj Wismann’s website is a treasure trove of resources to help you boost your sex drive and improve connection with your man, including a free online course ‘The Real Love Blueprint’.
In the comments below, share what you think about Maj’s advice here. She’ll be reading and replying to your comments, so don’t be shy about asking her questions. Type Anonymous or use a different name if that makes you more comfortable.
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Sigh. It’s not my sex drive that’s dried up, it’s my husbands. I’m going to show him this as a starting point for talking about it as we never do. Are there natural ways to kick start a male libido? Is the advice different to what a woman would do? Thank you.
I’m going to flag this up for Maj to answer T! Check back again soon x
Yes, You can certainly start with giving this blog post to your husband. There are far more equally sex drive killers then we think!
We always hear that men ALWAYS have high sex drive, and it is B.S. (Sorry my french) – But it makes it even more hard on the men to do something about it, because the feel so more abnormal 🙁
I have written a blog post about it – but there is SO much more to know about male libido: http://www.majwismann.com/2-classic-reasons-why-he-loses-his-desire
If you wanna dig even deeper – You can see this interview with me, where we talk about low sex drive (in both men and women): http://www.carisamontooth.com/blog/2015/12/9/danish-sexologist-maj-wismann-shares-the-1-libido-killer-for-women
I hope you find a way.
Really good article, thank you. I just feel so tired all of the time. I work and then come home and have to cook and clean up and oversee homework. I have nothing left to give at the end of the day. Not an ounce of energy. I will consider your tips though because I know it’s important and I’ll only have myself to blame if my husband ends up finding it elsewhere.
Definitely take some small, baby steps towards improving things Karen. Just scan through Maj’s tips above and choose one thing to try. You don’t have to turn things around overnight. Often if it’s just the deciding to do something about it that triggers a natural result. Wishing you the best Karen and thanks for your comment which I’m sure many can relate to. xx
I TOTALLY understand you – I´ve been there myself and a lot of my clients talk about it to.
And Kelly is so right!
You only have to take one step at a time. Baby steps make all the difference.
I have done this interview where we talk about exhaustion the number one sex drive killer – maybe you can get some good tips there to: http://www.carisamontooth.com/blog/2015/12/9/danish-sexologist-maj-wismann-shares-the-1-libido-killer-for-women
I really hope you crack the code.
Thanks for contributing so much value to this post Maj. I knew I wanted to touch on this subject when I went back and re-read some heartbreaking entries from my old journal from back when my boys were small.
I wrote that I was worried I’d never feel pleasure again during lovemaking or get my libido back and I have vivid memories of crying to my husband over it. I knew that if someone who wants sex doesn’t get it for a length of time, all it takes is for them to feel an attraction towards someone else and….
He assured me he’d never do that, but he also agreed that it was important to him and to our relationship, so I got two books on the subject ‘Mars & Venus in the Bedroom’ and ‘Think Sex’ as well as ordering something called Scentual which were scented stickers I wore inside of my wrists to supposedly ignite my libido! I can’t say which one of these things actually worked, but I guess the act of deciding to do something about it did turn things around for me.
I am not ashamed to proclaim that I got my libido back – and then some! We’re back in business again. Whew! Persevere mamas. It’s worth it. 🙂 I wish I’d had this treasure trove of advice and resources way back when. Which is why I wanted to get this written about for Project Me asap!! Thanks Maj!
You are SO welcome <3
I really hope my blog post can help a lot of women 🙂
Hi Kelly & Maj. Thanks so much for this – somehow I missed the original email but have since been reading Maj’s website and found it really really helpful. I love her tone and humour.
Maj’s idea of having ‘nothing’ time is something I really need and I’m going to try to implement this this week. This presently does not exist in my life! Am generally stressed out and run ragged and it’s affecting all areas of my life.
Hey Kelly where have you been hiding this woman – she is a gem!
That’s great to hear Sam! Between Maj and Project Me, you can set yourself a clear goal to improve this area of your life, one small step at a time 🙂
Thank you so much – I´m totally blushing 🙂 Please say if there is anything I can do for you or if there is a topic you would like me to write more about – I gladly do an article/guide to put on my homepage.
Love Maj <3
[…] in my overall happiness, but it does have me thinking… You can read my personal story and How to Get Your Sex Drive Back […]
[…] 7 When our sex life went through a literal dry patch after the birth of our kids, we made it a priority to get back on track again. I wrote about this here – Why You’ve Lost Your Sex Drive and How to Get It Back. […]
I literally lost sex drive for the past months, I thought i was experiencing erectile dysfunction but when I hooked up with a girl I met in Dusseldorf. It turned out i was just lack of sex interest for just normal encounters.